Widow Twanky slaves away all day in Peking's premier launderette, Widow's Wonderful Washeteria. (Motto: 'We Wash Well'. Website address: www.www.www.com) Her lazy son Aladdin though, prefers to do nothing all day except daydream about the beautiful Princess May, daughter of the Emperor. One day Aladdin discovers a magic lamp which can grant wishes. It looks like all his problems are solved until the evil wizard, Abanazar, decides he wants the lamp as well! And the situation isn't helped by the daft Duff-Halibut family, on a diplomatic mission from England...

Cast:

The Widow Twanky: a laundress
Aladdin, her lazy son
The Emperor Ping: Emperor of all China
Princess May, his daughter
Fat Chin: servant of the Emperor
Wun Lung: servant of the Emperor
Lord Herbert Duff-Hallibut, British Ambassador to the Imperial Court  
Lady Winifred Duff-Hallibut, his wife
The Hon Cuthbert Halibut, their son
Abanazer: an evil wizard
Fang, his slave
Ling, Ming, Ching – citizens of Peking
The Genie of the Lamp
King Kong the Gorilla
Chorus of citizens, guards etc

The scene: Peking. The date: 18th century. 

Act one

Scene one. Abanazar’s lair.
Scene two. Outside the Widow’s Washeteria.
Scene three. The Duff Halibut house.
Scene four. Outside the Widow’s Washeteria.
Scene five. The forest outside Peking.
Scene six. A corridor in the Emperor’s Palace.
Scene seven. The Emperor’s Palace.
Scene eight. A street in Peking. 

Act two

Scene one. The Emperor’s Palace
Scene two. A street in Peking
Scene three. A corridor in the Palace
Scene four. The African jungle
Scene five. A street in Peking
Scene six. The Emperor’s Palace

Scene six. 

Front of tabs. A corridor in the Emperor’s palace. 

Enter Fat Chin and Wun Tun, carrying mops and buckets. 

WUN TUN. This is the place, Fat Chin. Now you remember what the Emperor told us to do? 

FAT CHIN (nodding his head vigourously.) No. 

WUN TUN. Alright. It’s very simple. The British Ambassador is arriving today and the Emperor wants this floor so clean that he can see his face in it. 

FAT CHIN Why – hasn’t he got a mirror?

WUN TUN Don’t be daft. I was speaking metaphorically. 

FAT CHIN Well I can’t speak metaphorically – I can only speak English. Oh and Chinese of course. 

WUN TUN I mean it’s a figure of speech. Like…he wants it so clean that he can eat his dinner off it. 

FAT CHIN Why can’t he use a plate like any decent person. What sort of Emperor is he? No mirrors to look in and now he’s got no plates to eat off. 

WUN TUN Look you. Don’t start being rude about the Emperor.  

FAT CHIN Well I didn’t vote for him.  

WUN TUN Nor did anyone. He got the job from his father.  

FAT CHIN  I see. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.  

WUN TUN. Yes, yes, let’s get on with it. Now. Start cleaning. (Wun tun takes a mop and starts mopping) 

FAT CHIN Righto. (He takes the remaining mop, which is stored with the cloth end upward. Without looking he dips the wrong end in the bucket and starts scrubbing the floor).  

WUN TUN (Looking at him in amazement) Just how do you think you’ll clean the floor like that? 

FAT CHIN (pausing for breath and mopping his brow). What do you mean, I’ve never worked this hard in my life before.  

WUN TUN (taps him on the shoulder and points down). Look. Look at the end of the mop. 

FAT CHIN (he looks). Cor. I’ve scrubbed so hard I’ve worn down the head right to the wood. No wonder I was tired.  

WUN TUN Now listen you – if you want to stay working for the Emperor you’d better pull your socks up. (Fat Chin bends and starts to pull his socks up) No, no, not like that! Oh I’ve had enough of this. Let’s have our lunch. (They sit and Wun tun takes out sandwiches etc from a hamper. Wun tun puts a small napkin in his collar. Fat Chin puts an entire gingham tablecloth and spreads it across his whole body.) When you’re quite ready, will you say grace? 

FAT CHIN Alright then. Grace.  

WUN TUN (shaking head) Want some milk? (Offers milk bottle) 

FAT CHIN No thanks. I got a nasty shock last time I drank milk. 

WUN TUN Why? 

FAT CHIN The cow sat on me.  

WUN TUN (Sighing) Be quiet and have a boiled egg. Mm, this is the best egg I’ve had for years (Gives Fat Chin egg) 

FAT CHIN I don’t want it if you’ve had it for years.   

WUN TUN Try some of this chicken then. It’ll melt in your mouth.  

FAT CHIN Couldn’t you defrost it first? 

WUN TUN I give up. Have a sandwich then. (He brings out a plate of sandwiches) What kind do you want? 

FAT CHIN The kind that’s made of bread please. (He takes one and eats) Now I’ll have an ice lolly. (He takes one and looks at the stick). Can you help me with a riddle? 

WUN TUN Aren’t you old enough to go by yourself? 

FAT CHIN No I mean a riddle on this lolly stick. What sits in a pram and wobbles?

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