Penniless draper the Widow Hankie thinks things can't get better when King Borassic of Pantonia pays a visit to her grotty shop to order a cut-price suit because the royal treasury is empty. But her beautiful daughter Eleanor catches the eye of the King's son, dashing Prince Desmond, and pretty soon a royal wedding occurs. However, Rumpelstiltskin, the evil King of the Dwarves, needs an heir but for some reason he's not much good with the ladies, so he has to resort to stealing a baby instead of getting one in the normal manner. And of course, that baby is the new royal arrival, Prince Harry...

Cast

The Widow Hankie, a draper’s widow
Eleanor Hankie, her daughter
King Borassic (of the United Kingdom of Great Pantonia and Northern Fairyland)
Prince Desmond, his son
The Dowager Princess Neuralgia of Pantonia (sister to the King)
Sir Horace Fop, a courtierSir Maurice Slop, another courtier
The Dwarf King Rumpelstiltskin

Minor speaking parts (all can be played by three people)

3 Dwarves, 3 Villagers, 2 Pages, 2 gardeners, a clerk, a Guard. 

Non speaking: guards, villagers, dwarves.

Scenes

Prologue: the Court of the Dwarf King. 

Act One
Scene one: Outside Widow Hankie’s shop in Toytown.
Scene two. Inside Widow Hankie’s shop.
Scene three. The throne room of King Borassic’s castle.
Scene four. Inside Widow Hankie’s shop.

Act Two

Scene one. The throne room of the castle, one year later.
Scene two. A chamber in the castle.
Scene three. A clearing in the woods. 

Act Three.

Scene one. A corridor in the castle.
Scene two. Another clearing in the woods.
Scene three. The throne room of King Borassic’s castle.

Scene: a clearing in the woods. The royal party are on the trail of Rumpeltstiltskin.PRINCE DESMOND Quiet Aunt, the dwarves are approaching! What’s that they’re singing?
 
WIDOW HANKIE Well it’s usually that one that goes ‘hi ho, hi h…’
 
PRINCESS NEURALGIA Shhh!

Enter Sgt Shorthouse r leading dwarves, singing. They halt in the middle of the stage.
 
DWARF Another recruit’s waiting for you here sarge. He looks a bit odd though. 
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE What do you mean odd – you mean he doesn’t look normal, like us? Oh well, send him in. 
 
DWARF Yes sarge. (exits l)
 
Enter Lofty Longstreak from l. He is dressed as a dwarf but is clearly an adult kneeling down with shoes attached to his knees. He shuffles to the desk.
 
LOFTY Reportin’ for duty, sir!
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE (looking over his desk in puzzlement). Call me Sergeant, not sir!
 
LOFTY Yes Sergeant Notsir!
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE No, no, just Sergeant. Name?
 
LOFTY Longstreak. Lofty Longstreak. 
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE. That doesn’t sound like a dwarf name to me!
 
LOFTY (hurriedly) Oh but it is sergeant. You see my father was named Longstreak on account of his swimming trunks falling off in the sea at Blackpool.
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE Why on earth does that mean he was called Longstreak…?
 
LOFTY Well he had to do a long streak to get back to his hotel. It was low tide, you see. 
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE Hmm…are you old enough to join up – only you’re a bit on the small side!
 
LOFTY Oh yes sergeant. I’m very keen to join the dwarf army.

SGT SHORTHOUSE And why’s that?

LOFTY Well…’join the dwarf army and see the world’, they told me. Well – the bottom half of it anyway.

SGT SHORTHOUSE Hmmm…any previous military experience?

LOFTY I was in the sea scouts. Until my tent sank.

SGT SHORTHOUSE (getting up )Alright, let’s see if you can take care of yourself. Say someone came at you with a bayonet. (mimes action) What steps would you take?

LOFTY Great big ones.

SGT SHORTHOUSE. Hmm. And what would you do if someone tried to hit you with a rifle butt?LOFTY But what?
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE (angrily) No, no, a rifle butt. The wrong end of a rifle. (mimes the action). 
 
LOFTY Oh well, if it was the wrong end I wouldn’t have to worry about it, would I?
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE Oh….we’ve got a right one here. Alright, let’s see if you’re fit. Touch your toes. 
 
LOFTY Er….(attempts to reach behind to touch his real toes, then realises his mistake and quickly touches his ‘false’ toes). There we are. Easy!
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE Hmmmm…alright, bend your knees. 
 
LOFTY (makes several attempts, each one becoming more exerting, until he falls over revealing his real legs) Oh no!
 
SGT SHORTHOUSE What’s this, what’s this! I thought there was something funny about you! We’ve got a human here, trying to sneak in! Get out of it, we don’t want your sort here! (drags Lofty sr)
 
LOFTY Ow, ow, that’s discrimination – you’re a heightist, you are! Ow, lemme go, you big bully! (Sgt Shorthouse boots him off sr) to read on, order the full script!