Probably one of the best loved pantomimes for child actors as it requires at least seven people of small stature!

Beautiful Snow White works as servant in the castle of Her Most Evil Majesty, Queen Corruptia. The Queen's magic mirror points out that Snow White is the fairest of them all and in a fit of jealously the Queen decides to do her in and orders her long suffering consort, Prince Basil of Tarragon, to do the dirty deed. But Snow White escapes and is taken in by a team of industrious dwarfs. Meanwhile, the Queen has a new housekeeper - the hapless Dame Splott...

Cast

Snow White, maidservant to the Queen
Dame Splott, housekeeper to the Queen
Her Most Evil Majesty, Queen Corruptia of Fantasia
His Slightly Unpleasant Highness, Prince Basil of Tarragon, her consort
Prince Hansom of Transvania
Mopp, a footman
Bucket, another footman
The Dwarfs: Doc, Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy
The Voice of the Mirror
The Poet Laureate
The Magical Deer
Chorus of servants etc

Scenes

Act one
Prologue: the Queen's chamber.
Scene one: a courtyard in the castle.
Scene two: the Queen's chamber.
Scene three: a clearing in the forest.
Scene four: deep in the forest.
Scene five: a courtyard in the castle.

Act two
Prologue
Scene one: the dwarfs' cottage.
Scene two: the Queen's chamber.
Scene three: the dwarfs' cottage.
Scene four: a path in the forest.
Scene five: the dwarfs' cottage.
Scene six: a path in the forest.

QUEEN  May I offer you some refreshment? (She clicks her fingers and a servant appears)

DAME SPLOTT Ooh I'd love a cup of tea.

QUEEN Certainly. Earl Grey, or Lapsang Souchong?

DAME SPLOTT No, just tea.

QUEEN (She waves the servant away) We do have need of a good housekeeper. You look a capable sort. What is your name?

DAME SPLOTT Mrs Ethelburga Ariadne Euphemia Splott. (Nudges Queen) But you can call me Splotty. (The servant reappears with two cups of tea. Dame Splott pours some into the saucer, blows on it and drinks it. She grimaces) Ugh.

QUEEN Is there something wrong?

DAME SPLOTT Nothing. It's just not quite my cup of tea.

QUEEN Strange. (Drinks tea) We find it most pleasant. By which I mean the royal 'we'.

DAME SPLOTT (Aside) I think that's what I've just been drinking. (She tips the remains of the cup in a flower pot without the Queen noticing)

QUEEN  By the way, where is your husband?

DAME SPLOTT He's gone on before, marm.

QUEEN (Confused) You mean he's here already?

DAME SPLOTT I hope not!  What I mean is, he died in an accident.

QUEEN Oh dear. What happened?

DAME SPLOTT He got hit on the head by a cricket ball. Still, he had a good innings.

QUEEN Quite. Have you worked for royalty before?

DAME SPLOTT Er yes, you could say that - I was detained, I mean, retained, at Her Majesty's pleasure for several years, marm.

QUEEN (Not understanding) Oh really? At Buckingham Palace?

DAME SPLOTT Er, no,  Holloway.

QUEEN Hmm, I don't know that particular palace - anyway, you'll do. And by the way, you will address me as Ma'am. That's ma'am as in ham, not Marm as in farm.

DAME SPLOTT Ma'am. As in pig, er, I mean ham. Got it.

QUEEN Good. Now, I have sent Snow White to the boiler room to sort the washing. Go and help her.

DAME SPLOTT Yes, Ma'am (Curtseys badly). (Aside) I can see why she tarts herself up all day. Ouch, that face needs more than painting - it needs repointing!

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